History can be defined as the continuum of triumphs and tragedies over time. These triumphs include the bold and wonderful creation of film, triumphs that can be seen in films such as The Birth of a Nation in 1915, a film often identified as being the first ‘blockbuster’.

The American Film Industry is regarded by many to be the best in the world. Why else would Raiders of the Lost Ark have been translated into dozens of languages worldwide? However, over the past few decades the industry has eroded into the filth we observe today. From this filth comes movies such as The Dark Knight and any number of the repulsing “horror films” to which we have grown accustomed. ‘Why?’ one might ask himself. The answer is a long one and can not be fully dissected within this column; however, the explanation can be simplified to: low quality writing, poor directing, boring dialogue, and idiot prima donna actors whom our culture worships profusely. These all culminate into the state we see our film industry today.

What happened to the Rod Serlings? The Steven Spielbergs? The Martin Scorseses? They are either dead due to destructive habits or no longer producing movies. But the fact remains, our beloved American movie media has declined. No longer is a horror movie built around the mind games that the movie plays with its audience leading them to anxious, legitimate fear. In this era the “horror” movies  are filled with brief, gross, immature images meant to shock the audience into disgust. Action movies have departed from a focus on dialogue, story and quality scripting to the present day special-effect-driven monstrosities that show all kindsof quick-paced, seemingly magical explosions resulting in no benefit for anyone, least of all for the audience that suffers a sharp drop in its collective IQ—without insulting the beloved Dark Knight, of course.

When given the unique opportunity such as the one The Review has given me, I write columns as to dissect and distill  modern movies, mainly so that you as the reader know which ones you should see or those you should blindly ridicule without seeing. The American movie industry is dying. Will you help to save it? Or will you just spend $10 to see the newest, greatest, poorly conceived action movie?

–John Ready

Dear Urban Legends:

We read on the Internet on Sunday, December 17 that Slim Shady, a.k.a. Eminem, died in a car crash at 2:30 in the morning. According to this article he was on his way to a late-night party and was drunk and high on drugs. We can’t seem to locate the site. Can you find out if this is true or not?

Dear Reader:

There’s a good reason you can’t find the Web page — it has already been deleted. Another reader sent me the URL shortly before I received your message, but when I tried to access the page, which I’m told was a decent spoof of CNN’s online news site, it was gone.

The article was also posted on a bogus MTV Web page, deleted as well. Emails containing the URLs and the headline “Rapper Eminem Dies in Car Accident” began circulating among AOL users on Saturday; by Sunday the pages were nowhere to be found.

Here, from a newsgroup posting, is the full text attributed to, but not actually published on, CNN:

December 15, 2000
Web posted at 6:12 a.m. EST (0012 GMT)

Rapper “Eminem” Dies in Car Accident.

Multi-platinum artist Marshall Mathers, known by the stage name “Eminem”, was killed at 2:30AM EST while driving a rental car on his way to a late-night party.

Mathers, who authorities believe was under the influence of alcohol or drugs, was behind the wheel of a Saturn coupe that witnesses say swerved to avoid a slow moving vehicle, then lost control and slammed into a grove of trees.

The car was crumpled by the impact, making extraction of Mather’s body very difficult. He was declared dead on the scene by paramedics who arriced a short time later.

Authorities would not comment on details surrounding the accident other than to confirm the identity of the victim.

Mathers was 26.

Clearly a hoax. No legitimate news sources have reported the death of Marshall Mathers. The following denial was posted on Eminem’s official Web site:

“Despite sick-minded ne’er do-well attempts to create a state of panic in this grand country by virtue of a well-crafted CNN.com fake news story prank, our beloved Slim Shady is alive and well,” the statement reads. “Marshall is alive and at home with his family for the holidays in Detroit. And he wishes all of you shady holidays and a dirty new year.”

–David Emery, The New York Times Company

On Wednesday, September 23, 2009, I was informed of some very troubling news. I was informed by a certain friend that Rap and Hip Hip artist Eminem was dead. I will note that said informant was “absolutely positive” that this tragedy had occurred, so you can imagine my state of vexation. I cried 7 hours strait before i had a revelation. You see, I realized that Eminem cannot die. This is not only in the sense that he will live forever through his awesome music and sick nasty beats as celebrated R&B singer Tupac will, but also in that Eminem is immortal. Yes, Immortal. I have concluded that he is not human, for the creations of such mind blowing rhymes and mastery of the English language would, well, blow any human’s mind. I have decided to classify Eminem as species MACKDADDY HOMOERECTUS. Now I know what all of you are thinking, you’re thinking oh Blake that doesn’t conform with popular binomial nomenclature accepted in zoological circles, but i ask you, does such a superhuman being deserve such normality as usually given to subhuman creatures? No it does not. It deserves better, and I think that the more we honor the immortality of Eminem, the more mercy he will show us when his sick disgusting raps aid the Lord himself in defeating the minions of one so called Lucifer.

–Blake Thomas

Note: That Eminem is dead is purely a rumor and, at the time that this article was edited, all available sources of concrete evidence pointed to the contrary.  This article has been published as an example of the high value our culture places on entertainers.

–Kevin Jones

Dear Readers, before I present my argument, I would like to point out, that I am somewhat biased towards Lebron James, due to the fact I am a Cleveland Cavaliers fan, but the facts with be presented in an objective manner. I would appreciate your response on whom you think is better, Kobe or Lebron: Thank you

Kobe Bryant and LeBron James are the two best players in the league without a doubt. Now the question is, who is the best in the league? There have been many polls done on this question and the answer has always varied. It is now your turn to voice your opinion on this question.

Lets start in there rookie seasons. At the end of there rookie seasons, Kobe improved his teams record only by 3 wins, while LeBron had a much bigger impact, improving his team by 18 wins. At the end of the 2009 season, their career averages are as following: “27.5 points, 7.0 rebounds, 6.7 assists and 1.8 steals per game, while shooting 47.1% from the field, 32.8% from the three-point line and 73.8% from the free-throw line.” And Kobes are “25.1 points, 5.2 rebounds, 4.9 assists and 1.5 steals, while shooting 46.7% from the field, 84% from the free-throw line and 34.1% from the three-point line.” As you can see, LeBron has outgunned Kobe in nearly all of those stat lines except three point shooting and free throw shooting. The intangibles can NEVER be underestimated yet there is almost no way to put a number on those. For example, leadership, charisma, HEART, drive, will power, etc.

They do NOT have similar playing styles whatsoever. Kyle Liddell puts the comparisons on paper the best when he writes “Kobe is a better on-ball defender, LeBron is a better shot-blocker. Kobe is a better shooter, LeBron is a better penetrator. LeBron is more athletic, Kobe is more methodical. LeBron is faster and stronger, Kobe is quicker. Kobe is more clutch, LeBron is more versatile and unselfish.

The black mark on LeBron is that he has not won a championship yet while Kobe has four on his resume. Kobe has had TREMENDOUS help, with the presence of Shaquille O’Neal, a new addition to the Cleveland Cavaliers. LeBron has been doing things almost single-handedly because he has not had another significant playmaker on his team, though Danny Ferry, the Cavaliers General Manager, has been adding and gradually making the team much better. Kobe has always had a dominant big whether it be Shaq or Pau Gasol, both of the leagues premier big guys.

The question is up to you, LeBron or Kobe?

–Jack Mahoney

“Last February, I wrote that he didn’t have a ceiling. This year? I figured out his ceiling. At least for right now. At age 24, he’s a cross between ABA Dr. J (unstoppable in the open court, breathtaking in traffic, has the rare ability to galvanize teammates and crowds with one “Wow” play, even handles himself as well off the court) and 1992 Scottie Pippen (the freaky athletic ability on both ends, especially when he’s cutting pass lines or flying in from the weak side for a block), with a little MJ (his overcompetitiveness and sense of The Moment), Magic (the unselfishness, which isn’t where I thought it would be back in 2003, but at least it’s in there a little) and Bo Jackson (how he can occasionally just overpower the other team in a way that doesn’t seem human) mixed in … only if all of that Molotov Superstar Cocktail was mixed together in Karl Malone’s body. This is crazy. This is insane. This is unlike anything we’ve ever seen. And to think, LeBron doesn’t even have a reliable 20-footer or a post-up game yet. See, this is only going to get better. And it’s already historic.”

– Bill Simmons, ESPN Columnist

RE:

From the age of sixteen, LeBron James has been, “The Chosen One”. Yet, over the past three months, LeBron has seen an inordinate decline in his status, going from the poster boy for athletic phenomenon to someone perceived as a person possessing no moral character, respect, or class. Never, and I mean never, has such a great athlete experienced such a tumultuous and rapid fall from grace.

First off, let’s start with LeBron himself. No athlete, present or past, has ever possessed his skill set. As a sophomore in high school, he was an all-state selection in football, while becoming the first sophomore ever to be named to the USA Today All-USA First Team. In his junior year, he won the Gatorade National Player of the Year award, and, naturally, repeated as a USA Today first-teamer. And then senior year came, and LeBron became one of the most highly celebrated amateur athletes of all time, if not the most celebrated. He became the first person to repeat as Gatorade National Player of the Year, and became the first-ever three-time selection for the USA Today All-USA First Team. Then, in a fitting stroke of luck, the ping-pong balls bounced Cleveland’s way, giving the Cavaliers the first pick (for those not familiar with the lottery process that the NBA uses for its draft, click here for an explanation).

Since arriving in Cleveland, LeBron’s career has been legendary, as he is on pace to shatter every single record of the Cleveland franchise. LeBron’s career is best summed up by the Bill Simmon’s passage at the beginning of the article; quite simply, we have never seen another athlete in any sport with LeBron’s ceiling (ceiling is another word which pretty much means maximum potential). Look at the list of players in the paragraph: Julius Erving (Dr. J), perhaps the greatest dunker in the history of the NBA and certainly one of its most popular personalities, followed by a 1992 Scottie Pippen, arguably the best jack-of-all-trades player at his absolute peak, Michael Jordan (no explanation needed), Magic Johnson, better known as the most entertaining player to ever play professional basketball, and Bo Jackson, the most breathtaking athlete in the world. A pretty good list. And LeBron has the one characteristic that made each of these individuals great.

But LeBron’s tantalizing potential and singular ability to become the most dominant and memorable athlete in any sport at any time is not why I am writing this article (or else I would have stopped at the end of the last paragraph). On May 30, 2009, after losing a decisive Game 6 in the NBA Playoffs, a game which sent Cleveland home and eliminated their golden shot at a championship, LeBron walked off the court without shaking hands with the opponent, the Orlando Magic, and then refused to address the media after the game. While no one actually cares whether or not LeBron takes to the media, shaking hands with the opposing team, after a win or loss, is one of the most sacred rituals of basketball. But this wasn’t LeBron’s only mistake.

A few days later, he sent a public address attempting to explain his actions. Rather than offer an apology, LeBron stated, “It’s hard for me to congratulate somebody after you just lose to them… I’m a winner. It’s not being a poor sport or anything like that. If somebody beats you up, you’re not going to congratulate them. … I’m a competitor. That’s what I do. It doesn’t make sense for me to go over and shake somebody’s hand.”

While this act of denial won LeBron no grace, he is, actually, correct. As fans, we don’t pay fifty bucks for bleacher seats and then spend two hours craning our necks only to get blocked by the guy with the loud girlfriend who gets up every two minutes to get a beer. We pay to see a win, or at the least, watch some of the best athletes in the world put on a show. While LeBron’s act was in no means classy, is anybody perfect? Considering the LeBron has been in the spotlight in for nearly a decade, I’ll take one mistake with no qualms. People are quick to point out the “exemplary” behavior of Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan, but it appears that people have short-term memories. No one seems to remember the Kobe almost bullied his way out of Los Angeles, stopping short of bombing the Laker’s practice facility to get a trade somewhere. Just nine months before he won the MVP award as a member of the Lakers, he was trying his hardest to get out of Los Angeles. His diva attitude is believed to have chased away Phil Jackson and Shaquille O’Neal (although Shaq deserves considerable blame in both cases) And I won’t even discuss the Colorado fiasco. Michael Jordan was notoriously harsh on teammates, oftentimes exploding into temper tantrums during practices and games.

About a month after the tumult of the handshake festival (HandGate? LeBron Shames?), tragedy struck once again. At his own summer camp, LeBron was dunked on by Jordan Crawford, a junior at Xavier University. LeBron then allegedly ordered Nike organizers to confiscate game tapes that had captured footage of the dunk. In this, LeBron took criticism for “robbing a young man of the memory of a lifetime”. Yet, by confiscating the tapes, LeBron ended up instigating a media frenzy around the entire story that would end up glorifying Jordan Crawford, even though the dunk was, simply put, not that impressive. (Side-note: Jordan Crawford, despite being on the dealing end of the most famous end of the year and being a respectable and above-average hoopster, does not have a Wikipedia article. I find this outrageous considering some of the other extremely obscure people who have articles on Wikipedia).

When it comes to the fact that LeBron was trying to save face by confiscating the tapes, little justification for his actions can be offered. Yet, I will bet that nearly every one of us can name an instance where we potentially denied someone a possibly happy memory that they would cherish for a while. I can probably name a dozen, but primarily because I refuse to lose in any sport to children under the age of ten (I don’t care if you’re not tall enough to give me a high five: if you drive into the paint, you will get stuffed).

I am not trying to justify what LeBron did and say that it was perfectly fine, but, we must remember, mistakes are not the exception, they are the norm. There is virtually no justification for LeBron’s actions that would still show that LeBron’s actions were at least partially selfless. People make mistakes. Some people say that bigger people make bigger mistakes. Nope. Bigger people make regular mistakes. We make them bigger. Let LeBron take his mistakes.

– George Bashour

Daily News: (nydailynews.com)

Pity the poor teen idol.

Miley Cyrus, hugely successful star of “Hannah Montana,” whined to the Today show that “my mistakes are kind of a little bit harder because they are in front of millions and millions of people.”

The 16-year-old was likley referring to the brouhaha that erupted over her disrobing for photographer Annie Leibovitz in Vanity Fair in 2008. Miley has also sent out racy photos of herself to friends via her cell phone, which leaked onto the Internet.

Despite her growing pains in the public eye, Cyrus sees a silver lining.

“It does s–k to have to go through that. But also it makes you want to try harder the next time when I know that little girls look at me and say I’m their hero,” said Cyrus during a break in her four song live set on Friday’s Today show.

But her role model status hasn’t stopped Disney’s reigning queen from stirring up controversy.

Cyrus’s latest scandal-ette occurred when she performed her new hit “Party in the USA,” during which critics accused her of simulating pole dancing

–Jim Farber

Born November 23rd, 1992, Destiny Hope Cyrus has already lived a life that almost every teenage girl would dream to have. She has had her high points. Being the face of Hannah Montana, ranking #29 on Forbes Most Influential People in the World list, and dating a Jo-bro, to name a few. There have also been her low points, such as her graphic pictures taken with her dad for Vanity Fair.

Cyrus is a talented singer, author, songwriter, musician, and actress. A Renaissance woman at 16: not too shabby. She has been in numerous movies including High School Musical 2 and Hannah Montana, the movie. Also, she has been in a variety of television shows including; Hannah Montana and the Disney Channel Games. Miley has received many awards for her talents that include; Teen Choice Awards, Kid’s Choice Awards, and MTV movie awards. All in all, her career has been amazing: this young girl has already accomplished more than most entertainers will in a lifetime.

Even though Miley is an amazing artist, (who is also quite good looking) somehow people still find ways to rag on her. Some say she is too sexual or her music makes them want to scream, others simply state that she is ugly. Newsday.com stated that Miley was, “…a pole-dancing performance… (that) sent the wrong message to her tween-age fans.” It’s quite the contrary though; she is not to sexual for her audience: she is just having fun on stage: what is so bad about that? Why do people not like her voice, I mean there is even an “I Hate Miley Cyrus” fan club on YouTube with over 23,000 fans. Her music, people say, makes them want to scream. But people ignore the fact that her voice is one of the best today, its not synchronized like almost every other artist, but it’s the real deal. Just like the “I Hate Miley Cyrus” fan club on YouTube, there is another video called “Miley Cyrus is Ugly”, which is a total lie. Cyrus is not ugly, her body physique is fine the way it is, despite what people may say, it’s great the way it is.

So to all you Miley Cyrus haters, stop looking at her with your shallow narrow minded views, which are completely subjective, and start taking the objective view of her, which is full of talent, beauty, and someone I think of as the epitome of inspiring.

–Brett Hornung