History can be defined as the continuum of triumphs and tragedies over time. These triumphs include the bold and wonderful creation of film.

The American Film Industry is regarded by many to be the best in the world. Why else would Raiders of the Lost Ark have been translated into dozens of languages worldwide? However, over the past few decades the industry has eroded into the filth we observe today. From this filth comes movies such as The Dark Knight and any number of the repulsing “horror films” to which we have grown accustomed. ‘Why?’ one might ask himself. The answer is a long one and can not be fully dissected within this column; however, the explanation can be simplified to: low quality writing, poor directing, boring dialogue, and idiot prima donna actors whom our culture worships profusely. These all culminate into the state we see our film industry today.

What happened to the Rod Serlings? The Steven Spielbergs? The Martin Scorseses? They are either dead due to destructive habits or no longer producing movies. But the fact remains, our beloved American movie media has declined. No longer is a horror movie built around the mind games that the movie plays with its audience leading them to anxious, legitimate fear. In this era the “horror” movies  are filled with brief, gross, immature images meant to shock the audience into disgust. Action movies have departed from a focus on dialogue, story and quality scripting to the present day special-effect-driven monstrosities that show all kindsof quick-paced, seemingly magical explosions resulting in no benefit for anyone, least of all for the audience that suffers a sharp drop in its collective IQ—without insulting the beloved Dark Knight, of course.

When given the unique opportunity such as the one The Review has given me, I write columns as to dissect and distill  modern movies, mainly so that you as the reader know which ones you should see or those you should blindly ridicule without seeing. The American movie industry is dying. Will you help to save it? Or will you just spend $10 to see the newest, greatest, poorly conceived action movie?

–John Ready

Dear Urban Legends:

We read on the Internet on Sunday, December 17 that Slim Shady, a.k.a. Eminem, died in a car crash at 2:30 in the morning. According to this article he was on his way to a late-night party and was drunk and high on drugs. We can’t seem to locate the site. Can you find out if this is true or not?

Dear Reader:

There’s a good reason you can’t find the Web page — it has already been deleted. Another reader sent me the URL shortly before I received your message, but when I tried to access the page, which I’m told was a decent spoof of CNN’s online news site, it was gone.

The article was also posted on a bogus MTV Web page, deleted as well. Emails containing the URLs and the headline “Rapper Eminem Dies in Car Accident” began circulating among AOL users on Saturday; by Sunday the pages were nowhere to be found.

Here, from a newsgroup posting, is the full text attributed to, but not actually published on, CNN:

December 15, 2000
Web posted at 6:12 a.m. EST (0012 GMT)

Rapper “Eminem” Dies in Car Accident.

Multi-platinum artist Marshall Mathers, known by the stage name “Eminem”, was killed at 2:30AM EST while driving a rental car on his way to a late-night party.

Mathers, who authorities believe was under the influence of alcohol or drugs, was behind the wheel of a Saturn coupe that witnesses say swerved to avoid a slow moving vehicle, then lost control and slammed into a grove of trees.

The car was crumpled by the impact, making extraction of Mather’s body very difficult. He was declared dead on the scene by paramedics who arriced a short time later.

Authorities would not comment on details surrounding the accident other than to confirm the identity of the victim.

Mathers was 26.

Clearly a hoax. No legitimate news sources have reported the death of Marshall Mathers. The following denial was posted on Eminem’s official Web site:

“Despite sick-minded ne’er do-well attempts to create a state of panic in this grand country by virtue of a well-crafted CNN.com fake news story prank, our beloved Slim Shady is alive and well,” the statement reads. “Marshall is alive and at home with his family for the holidays in Detroit. And he wishes all of you shady holidays and a dirty new year.”

–David Emery, The New York Times Company

On Wednesday, September 23, 2009, I was informed of some very troubling news. I was informed by a certain friend that Rap and Hip Hip artist Eminem was dead. I will note that said informant was “absolutely positive” that this tragedy had occurred, so you can imagine my state of vexation. I cried 7 hours strait before i had a revelation. You see, I realized that Eminem cannot die. This is not only in the sense that he will live forever through his awesome music and sick nasty beats as celebrated R&B singer Tupac will, but also in that Eminem is immortal. Yes, Immortal. I have concluded that he is not human, for the creations of such mind blowing rhymes and mastery of the English language would, well, blow any human’s mind. I have decided to classify Eminem as species MACKDADDY HOMOERECTUS. Now I know what all of you are thinking, you’re thinking oh Blake that doesn’t conform with popular binomial nomenclature accepted in zoological circles, but i ask you, does such a superhuman being deserve such normality as usually given to subhuman creatures? No it does not. It deserves better, and I think that the more we honor the immortality of Eminem, the more mercy he will show us when his sick disgusting raps aid the Lord himself in defeating the minions of one so called Lucifer.

–Blake Thomas

Note: That Eminem is dead is purely a rumor and, at the time that this article was edited, all available sources of concrete evidence pointed to the contrary.  This article has been published as an example of the high value our culture places on entertainers.

–Kevin Jones

Prepared for: The Administration of Saint Ignatius High School

Prepared by:  The Saint Ignatius Student Body

September 23, 2009

Proposal: Wireless Internet Access for the Student Body

Objective

The Saint Ignatius Community is severely limited in terms of access to the Internet. Admittedly, we have sufficient access inside of the computer labs, but these can be locked, closed, out of service, or otherwise rendered useless to the student body. The solution to this problem is clear: Wireless Internet access.

Goals

To establish wireless access to the school’s network and the Worldwide Web for the Saint Ignatius Student

Body, as governed by the Saint Ignatius rules and regulations regarding technology and Internet use.

Solution

Currently, an encrypted key protects the wireless Internet connection of Saint Ignatius High School. No students, and very few staff, have access to the connection. It is prudent in our increasingly technological age to keep up with spreading the flow of information freely between students, teachers, and the rest of the World.

Thus, the Students of Saint Ignatius High School stand firmly resolved that the administration should provide open access to a wireless connection to the Internet on the campus of Saint Ignatius High School, governed by the technological use policies of Saint Ignatius High School.

Nearly every college campus in America has provided their students with wireless Internet and network access. It is time that Ignatius takes another step into the twenty-first century and prepares their students for the modern age. While this may seem like a time-consuming process, it surely will not be. The administration need only do one of two things.

Additional Solvency

The following are possible solutions (whose merits will be discussed further) to the aforementioned problem:

1.Remove the password to the currently existing wireless network

A. This solution allows anybody to connect to the wireless network, possibly doing the community a great service. However, if overuse or security is an issue, simply simply installing the Novell system on the wireless network, requiring students to login with their school username and password before accessing the network, easily solves this problem

B. This is the quickest, most hassle-free solution for the students and administration alike

2.Provide the Student Body with the password to said wireless network

A. This restricts access to only those with the password, ensuring maximum security. As an extra precaution, the administration could install the Novell system on the wireless network

B. Though requiring more work (namely, distributing the password through the Student Body), this solution provides maximum security

Conclusion

Allowing the students to access the network wirelessly provides significant benefits over the current, computer lab-only access situation. First, the students can access their network drives over the wireless connection, allowing them to access files that they may need for class quickly and efficiently. Second, wireless inter-net allows complete freedom of use of computers from all over the school. No matter where a student is, he will always have access to his student e-mail, school files, and educational supplements. Third, providing Internet to students while anywhere on campus is a vital educational experience. Imagine, the expanse of knowledge contained on the internet, accessible without the inconvenience of having to leave class, pack up, or walk between buildings. It allows students to remove themselves from the library atmosphere, potentially removing distractions to the librarians, casual readers, or those doing homework. Fourth, it generates more access in the ever-crowded library. Rather than fight for seats at the rare open computer in the computer lab (or in some cases, steal a seat), students can feel relaxed, and able to use the Internet and network when they please. Fifth, there are no security concerns involved in this proposal. Solution two is self-explanatory, as users need a password to access the Internet. Solution one is secure, as well, because the wireless network does not extend off-campus and Novell could be used to filter access. Sixth, this allows those involved in extracurricular activities, which rely heavily on the Internet (Junior Council on World Affairs, Speech, Debate, etc.) to access information freely. Finally, students will not be any more distracted by the availability of the network on their computers. The wireless network could be restricted through Super-Scout, ensuring no inappropriate or distracting website-use. Also, students are currently permitted to use mobile computers in their classes. Therefore, there is no reason why increasing Internet access would uniquely increase the distraction that is already potentially provided by notebook computers. In fact, allowing students to connect to the network allows the administration to monitor computer usage, actually allowing them to remove potential for distraction, and to reprimand those that circumvent measures already taken.

– Cameron Colella

To sign this petition, click here.